Friday, January 14, 2011
3 things you DON'T(get) say to adoptive parents
There are so many misconceptions about adoption and really it stems from a laziness to do the real research. So many parents of kids born of the heart put up with questions that people have no business asking. As our children get older and become more aware of some of the things that make them unique it gets to be a more sensitive issue. As we head into this next journey there is really an elephant in the room and I am have not really not heard of it being addressed. In all fairness this blog post is a little out of context but I really hope you read it and share with people who you have heard say things like this.
So I wanted to post a blog on the top three questions, and answers to the question you think you should ask but you really shouldn't. Now there are always exceptions as we have found many people we meet are actually asking the questions because they two have a little stirring in their hearts to follow the path of adoption. This is some free advice if you have talked over adoption in your family and see a family with an adopted child start the conversation by saying: "Hi we are the INSERT FAMILY NAME HERE your DAUGHTER/SON is so beautiful, we have actually been researching how our family might go about adopting a child, can you help us answer some questions."
On to the questions you don't get to ask!
Q1 - I am not sure why people think they can ask this but guess what, stop asking it!
"Where are his/her real parents?" awkward silence "are they still alive?"
This has been a question that believe it or not people have been so daring to ask. Luckily they have not asked it while I was standing there or they might have been punched in the face. I really don't have anything more to say about this question other than what is the purpose in knowing this? The short answer is we are the real parents!
Q2 - This is by far the easiest question to find an answer on quickly but for some reason people are to lazy to take time away from updating their facebook status and google it. Here we will make it really easy for you - http://costs.adoption.com/
"How much did he/she cost?"
I realize that you are reading this asking yourself does this question really get asked. This is not directed at you but you likely have a neighbor or friend that actually would ask something like this. Forward them this blog post so they can have a clue. Also if you want to know the government gives a large tax credit for adopting so regardless of the answer if you pay your taxes you technically paid for the adoption.
Q3 - We realize that this is the age of technology but there is something that hopefully remains sacred. The status of your personal health. I am not sure I have ever uttered the words how is your BMI? or do you have any diseases I should know about?
"Was he/she sick when you first met them?" or "Did your child have HIV?"
Hopefully you read that and your mouth is hanging open. Hopefully you have never asked this to an adoptive parent or well really anyone. I am not sure what someone would like to hear the answer to this question to be? If you really want to know about some of the diseased in a the world, one place to start doing a little research is - http://www.globalhealthfacts.org/
The facts listed on this site from across the globe should concern us all. Treatable ailments that we have eradicated in this country are still plaguing countries across the world. The most amazing thing is we can actually get involved! We can help build wells in Africa for clean drinking water, buy nets to keep children protected from Malaria!
The most important part of these questions is they do hurt. Our daughter like so many of your children or children you know is unique. We tell Mikah that we would have swam the ocean to know her, that we would have given up everything we have for her to be our daughter. We by no means worship our daughter but we know with everything that we are, that this little girl was put on this Earth for a purpose and there is a plan for her. We hope by reading this you think about a child you know or a family you know that might think about asking these questions. Please help them to think before they ask.
Posted by TheByrds